Posted by: rdkpickle | 03.05.2017

portrait of a teacher, depressed: quotes from emails i sent to molly 2013-2014

[context: I moved back to my hometown of Brentwood, TN in 2013 to teach at the public high school I attended. I probably shouldn’t post this to my professional blog, but I’m 3 years removed and so much happier now. If this makes one teacher laugh or feel less alone, then okay.]

“i am so tired too. i slept 14 hours on friday, 8 hours on saturday, 8 hours last night, and then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. it’s not good or healthy it’s like a HEAVY tired like someone is SITTING ON ME”

“i had a shit day yesterday and shit night last night and i’m having another shit day today. i feel like an actual crazy person. i am close to tears.”

“whip yo hair, girl. i killed a spider in 1st pd crawling across the floor while i was teaching. cool”

“This is the day from hell seriously. I am so bored and all I’ve done all day is take attendance and be a cattle hearder. And get mad at kids for doing dumb and disrespectful things. Soooo much less organized than our senior day, which is the only thing I can compare it to. Chaos!!!!!!

Also during one of the homecoming skits a white kid had on fake dreadlocks and said his name was obamaniqua. I was not amused.”

“oh my god i just remembered that snow days exist”

“i cried a little on the flight home yesterday feeling overwhelmed about life again, and i read the book mom gave me from cover to cover. it did provide some comfort, although there were parts that (i thought) were cheesy. overall i feel better – last night i didn’t panic and today i didn’t panic. it wasn’t a great afternoon, but it was ok. i can doooo this

i’ve decided the thing i hate most about this job is the grading, especially when kids fail. it gives me hives. i still don’t mind lesson planning, except my brain has been too cloudy to make good decisions without feeling overwhelmed by options/not sure how things will work in a class of 30.

random rachel update of the night”

“i’m thinking about quitting again today… i need to stop fantasizing about it, i think. but today’s it’s not desperate or anxious thinking, just like “when will this year be over” thinking.

we can do it though…. 5 weeks until thanksgiving… we can do it…..”

“i don’t understand how i’m going to have energy to write college recs or teach for this whole year or do anything else when this year is over…. all i want is to be in bed forever and eat until i weigh 200 pounds or more, and read and watch movies”

“i just taught the MOST BORING CLASS of my life. seriously. no joke. it was bad.”

“I feel like someone is going to walk through my door at any moment and announce, “you’re fired!”

Which I guess actually wouldn’t even be all that bad. I don’t know what I’m worried about. I mean truly. I just hate feeling like I’m not doing things as good as I should be.”

“i took my first dose of antidepressants last night and don’t really feel anything (not that i was expecting to.) we’ll see what happens as it builds up in my system. i’m hoping no side effects, only taking the edge off my sadness/anxiety. we’ll see.

i woke up today at 4 and couldn’t go back to sleep. just laid in bed and was uncomfortable/worried. tried not to be. i hate feeling like this.

in the shower i thought about quitting at christmas. it’s just so hard to imagine doing this for the whole year.

haven’t been observed yet. i honestly don’t even give a shit at this point. if i’m crappy, whatever.

i can’t believe i have to be here until 9 pm.”

“i 100% agree. if i make it through this year i’m NEVER looking back.”

“how many hours is too many hours to spend in bed? how do normal people do stuff like garden and run errands and clean house and pay bills on the weekends? i loveeeee lying down and being a blob in my beddd”

“i haven’t slept more than an hour straight in 2 nights. i am exhausted. i keep waking up and clenching and unclenching my muscles and worrying deliriously about school. when it got to be 5 this morning i went into my mom and woke her up and laid on the bed whining about how much i hate working and didn’t want to go to school. it’s always better once i get here, but getting up each morning has actually become the hardest thing in the world… it’s taking herculean efforts to get me in the shower and dressed.”

“so, helping with model un was actually really really fun and i’m so glad i did it. i absolutely love belinda wade. it was great to get to talk to her and hang out with her, and to see the kids in a non stressful non school environment. it reminded me that kids are smart and fun and sweet and a lot of times eager to please you/earn your respect. it also reminded me that the first year at a new school is supposed to be fucking hard!! it’s supposed to take a while to feel comfortable. i know this year i’ve had extra on top of that with my anxiety and depression, but it helps me to let go the worry of feeling like i’m not living up to people’s expectations of being a good teacher. they all KNOW it’s supposed to take time.”

“guess what??? when i’m in a good mood, i’m a good teacher! no joke. i’m in a good mood today and the whole day has just gone sooo much better. i think it has to do with confidence – being able to face the teenagers without wishing i were invisible. 4th period is my super shitty class and yesterday it sucked, and today it was great!!!!!!”

“ughhhh finally finished my 3 algebra class marathon and i have lost my voice and am exhausted. i have been my old teaching self ALL week though, i mean confidence level wise and clearer directions and not forgetting things. i’m sure it’s my mood and the meds and the rest from break.

but again it makes me think HOW does ANYONE who is less organized or, to be blunt, smart as us, DO THIS JOB???”

“an actual miracle has just occurred. i copied ALL of the worksheets for AAT next week. normally i’m scrambling the MORNING OF. oh happy day!!!!”

“i am feeling like 87% normal today.”

“just used the bathroom for the first time since i got to work… WHYYY IS THIS JOB SO HARD?!?!?” [sent at 2:27 pm]

“i wish you WERE here. i would go with you. i’m trying to live a more full and meaningful life. like, read more, learn more, care more. all of that. none of the stuff that doesn’t matter. i don’t know what that means exactly but i guess i’m just feeling *hungry* about life again… for the first time in a while. which is GOOD!”

“i know right!!!! give me liberty or give me summer!!! (or something…. you know”

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Responses

  1. holy moly. I totally get this.


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